Sunday, February 7, 2010

I give it all to God

In Pelianito's most recent post, God asks for an offering of everything, in order to save souls.

It is 2:37am, and I am awake because Brian came to bed a half hour ago after watching 2 movies. I can't sleep for being wound up with anger and frustration at my husband for not working, for staying up late, night after night, for making me have to explain to curious family and friends his lack of work. I could go on. But it only serves to further the mental and emotional storm within me.

This seems like the perfect offering I can give to God. So after rolling out the homemade cinnamon rolls to offer my beloved children while I am at work, I will make a total gift of myself to God, and drink a cup of Sleepy Time Tea, hopefully to catch a few more hours of sleep before I get up and get ready for work at Eskaton.

Are you ready, most high and glorious God?

I give you myself.
I give you my lack of sleep.
I give you my tossing and turning in bed.
I give you my frustration and anxiety.
I give you my lack of security.
I give you my marriage.
I give you my struggle to love him even through this really hard time.
I give you my house and home, that I don't want to loose.
I give you my words.
I give you my thoughts.
I give you my hopes and dreams.
I give you my desires.
I give you my pride.
I give you my embarrassment.
I give you my heartbreak that my dear husband has not found work in almost 10 months and does not seem to be trying very hard. I know he feels useless and unwanted.
I give you my struggle to constantly encourage him, to what seems like no avail.
I give you my senses: seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching and the struggle to keep my thoughts and words acceptable in Your sight. All I want to do is please You. And I fall so miserably short of that.
I give you my silence, that I must keep in order not to wound him.
I give you our two old cars, that are hanging on. Thank you.
I give you my health, which is stressed out.
I give you my "love" of tea and chocolate. I sure hope it is not an idol.
I give you my mental and emotional health, which is under seige by the enemy.
I give you the pressure I feel to keep it all together.
I give you the negative feelings I struggle against.
I give you the bitterness.
I give you the lack of respect I feel for him, and what seems like a lack of love.
But loves endures, and hopes, all things. (1 Cor. 13)
I give you my job at Eskaton and thank you for that refuge.
I give you homeschooling that I feel too burned out to do. Please hold me to that committment for my children's sake. Thank you for the 20 years I have spent teaching and training my children for YOUR kingdom. Nothing academically could come close to that.
I give you my children.
I give you my concern for them, when they don't follow You.
I give you my anxiety over them and their choices.
I give you my hurt when they don't call me.
I give you my pain when they forget about me on my birthday and Mother's Day.
I give up my dread of being abandoned. You will not abandon me, and are always with me. Thank you. I believe YOU. I believe in You.
I give you my weight. How I would like to loose 20 pounds, but it would only serve my vanity. And I give that to you, too.
I give you my dependence on makeup to hide my blotchy skin.
I give you my clothes, or lack of choice there of. How many outfits do we need? My closet is sufficient, but like any woman, I like to be able to have choices.
I give you my desire to shop and have the freedom to get new clothes.
I give you my desire to be someone in the world's eyes, that I really despise anyway.
I struggle with being well dressed and coifed driving a nice car. But I am just a mom of eight in plain clothes driving a very old ugly car (Echo) that does not cool sufficiently in the summer on 105 plus degree days.
I give you the joys I have right now:
cooking for my family,
my wonderful children,
the Chapel where You stay for love of us,
getting back into watercolor, poor artist that I am,
Mark Mallett's praise and worship cd,
the Direction for our times volumes,
my garden with its trees and flowers and plants, or the hope they contain, since it is winter.
My husband is not my joy right now and I am sad about that. This is where the marriage vows kick in: for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part. Yep, that about covers it.
Oh, I give you my sarcasm,too, and aplogize that I even have it.
Lord, what ever I have, I give it to you. I hold nothing back. I may need reminding that I gave it to You, since I am alittle forgetful on occassion. And I may need coaching on how to give something up. Giving up vanity means not looking in a mirror,
but what does giving up embarrassment look like? Putting on a smile, as genuine as possible?
What does giving up my desires mean? Not having any? or putting them in right order, that my desire for You and Your kingdom in Heaven and on earth come first?
Lord, please accept this offering of all that I am and am not,
and all that I have, and have not.
I am your beloved and lowly worm.
And that makes me happy.

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