It has only been 1 week since Lent began and I am not doing very well.
My prayer life is wonderful.............I am giving alms and time and mercy to everyone, but me. I struggle with fasting. At least right now.
I have discovered that I am afraid of going hungry. I spoke to Brian about this and he said in our 25 years together, we never starved. It may not be what I want to eat, but it will fill me.
So why am I afraid to go hungry?
Coming from a large family where there sometimes was not enough? Oh once in a while I may not have been able to have a second helping.
Maybe having a big family? With 7 sons who eat like piranhas, food goes quick. I frequently will do without, or have something else, so they can have what they want.
Just a little sacrifice on my part.
I really don't have time to enjoy food. Since work afternoon and evenings, I don't get to cook anymore..................I miss it. I am so frequently on the go, go, go.
And I have confessed that I do not like to eat.
Maybe it is the fact that I occasionally get low blood sugar that sends me to bed to recover. I hate it.
I started a campaign 4 months ago to EAT ON PURPOSE. That means to really make choices about what I eat and how it will nourish me.
So many times I eat on the run, not caring what I eat, as long as I don't feel hungry.
So here is what happens: when I get stressed...........I want a cup of tea. I can give it up but if the stress turns to an anxiety attack then I have to have a cup of tea. And tea without honey and cream won't cut it.
I don't want food to be the focus of my life!!!
I want to completely abandon myself to God and not to food.
Have I made food into an idol???
Someone who doesn't know me will think I weigh 500 pounds. No. I am only 20 pounds overweight.
And in case I am tempted to think this: No, being a nun would not make this better.
Jesus, I trust in you. Please help me.